Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
so much to do
Expect the unexporcupine.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service