1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Meeeee too!
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.