Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
You Might Also Like
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.