Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Brilliant!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*