is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
No way!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…