is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
reviewed some movies recently
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.