Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once