Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
This is why I hate group projects
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit