Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.