Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.