VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
You Might Also Like
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home