is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
same bro
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.