“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Found my door mat
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.