“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
i dont have time for this
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*praying for world peace*
God:
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
rise and shine we got egg
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.