“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once