“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.