“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”