Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]