Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.