Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.