@hasht4g: Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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@UnFitz: Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
@ArfMeasures: ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town] HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog! M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome
@Pro_Jones_: Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's- Son: Dad please don't... Dad: Lawn gone.
@iscoff: Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal