“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
This fish is cracking me up
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.