“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.