Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day