@GrowlyGrego: Is there a Twitter acronym for "Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it"?
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@E_lok44: *puts down window Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Yes *puts up window and drives away
@torrami: My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@Kyle_Lippert: Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
@Cheeseboy22: I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.