Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
#Caturday
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.