Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster