Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.