Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
You Might Also Like
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.