Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.