Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂