Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.