Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.