Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My god she’s good.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.