Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.