is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
What
I feel attacked.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
🍞🦆
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My five year plan is a meteorite
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie