Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Just a friendly reminder!
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
i made a craigslist ad !
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this