IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Can’t, holding a grudge
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.