Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴