isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Perfect
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Yup.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one