@ghostkrogh: isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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@4handfuls: My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first...
@3sunzzz: Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot. Me: Isn't your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer? N: So? M: So, I can't help you.
@rickygervais: Jesus died for our sins. But then he came back to life. Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
@KeetPotato: barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question