SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Perfect
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.