ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.