[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Another interesting #factupdates post!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.