my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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Candles never taste the way they smell
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
What’s this sorcery? 😂
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat