@decentbirthday: Isn't it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me
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@bingowings14: This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
@PaperWash: I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
@RealLucasNeff: Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime. Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas-- Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: *snoring* Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP Husband: What the hell? Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?