I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
You Might Also Like
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
We need to put an American base on the sun
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
tourist season
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered