We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
You Might Also Like
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.