ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
love it when they get my name right
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them