@insanelynormal1: It all went downhill when he texted me he's abscessed with me.
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@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@itsthatAsh: Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like "Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."
@ch000ch: 9-1-1 what's ur emergency "well i guess it's that one of my friends changed all of my contacts' phone numbers to 9-1-1."
@zachheltzel: Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?