Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Mouse

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.