My first son he is wonderful
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Has science gone too far?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.