I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.