It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
even bears disappoint their mothers
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.