It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.