@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
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@maughammom: Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.
@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
@ddsmidt: You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day. But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
@AmericanGent69: *holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!