@lyric_intent: It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.
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@abhorrent_wife: Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.
@Mikecanrant: Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly underestimated my love for cake. On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?