It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Dishonest mechanic?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.